Heart-Shaped (or Champagne) Hot Tub Time Machine

Around Valentine's Day, I thought about the commercials for the Poconos they always used to play when I was a kid. I'd previously thought of them, but never looked it up to see if the old places were still around, just wistfully praised how kitschy-cute they seemed, in their way. Of course, it's that certain kind of kitschy-cute. Not for all. Time's a-passing, so as soon as I remembered to, this time I looked it up: search terms "champagne hot tub." Paydirt. Lo and behold, the Cove Haven Resorts not only still exists, they still have the champagne hot tubs, heart-shaped whirlpools, private in-suite pools (some also heart-shaped), starlit ceilings, fireplaces, and saunas they used to advertise in the '70s and '80s. Better still, they don't seem to have changed the other decor or anything else all that much, just in minor updates.

It's quite expensive, almost too much to sensibly consider for the highest-priced suites. I'm a huge fan of retro and kitsch, but I wouldn't want to spend a real honeymoon at this place, so $1000 for 2 nights is off the wall. Some people easily spend this for a weekend at a schmancy B&B, but I'd have trouble reconciling that unless I had a lot more money or a lot less lifetime left to use it. But it looks like Cove Haven probably makes most of its money from repeat business, and they have a customer rewards system that gives extreme discounts to anyone who's visited more than three times. So if you were into the place, you could stay in one of the lesser suites (not too much more than any hotel somewhere interesting) a few times, then take advantage of the discount for the more expensive suites. If it was more of a fun one-off idea, I also found several coupons and deals for 20-40% off. I don't know if people look hard enough for those, especially when they're planning trips. The resort itself has specials, but the coupons seem even better than those, unless maybe you're in the customer rewards group.

I read many reviews of Cove Haven Entertainment Resorts (previously Caesars), which has three properties: Cove Haven, which is the oldest but seems to be the one guests prefer; Paradise Stream; and Pocono Palace (I think this was the one was recommended for guests who require wheelchair access). Apart from complaints about prices and paying extra for room amenities, the most common complaint was that the rooms were "outdated." Seeing that in so many reviews makes me want to write the company (Starwood, the owners of Sheraton, Westin, and W Hotels) and let them know that there are plenty of potential customers whose main interest in the resort is that so-called "outdated"ness. Where else can you find a place that's virtually the same as it was when you were a child? Or when you got married, or whatever 30 to 40 years ago is to you as an individual.

The main resort is even older than that. It was built in the 1940s. But the heart-shaped hot tubs started in the '60s, and the whole "Land of Love" theme carried on from there. I'm enchanted with the fact that the resort hasn't changed very much in the past 40 years. It fits in perfectly with an idea I had for "time travel vacations" or a "time machine" resort/hotel: A vacation created around a certain era, in which you are provided with all the amenities and entertainments of said era. I realized how incredible that would be after spending an early spring weekend at a borrowed beach home with a friend. The whole place was exactly as it had been in the early to mid-1980s. The sheets, towels, kitchen, entertainment systems, and everything else in the house were exactly as if they hadn't been touched since, except for cleaning. There were string-pull Band-Aids in tins in the bathroom cabinets. Honestly, wouldn't it be awesome to stay someplace where just the contents of the medicine chest were entertaining? We built a fire, made quiche, played records, watched '80s movies on VCR tapes, and played Trivial Pursuit all weekend. It rocked. Of course, there would be limitations on how far back you could go with "time travel" resort experiences, but even if you only had the 20th century decades '30s-'80s, it would be incredible.

Still, some reviewers of the Cove Haven Resorts complain about stucco, low lighting, carpeting, and the round beds: "The sheets get untucked! It's uncomfortable!" I don't really understand what those reviewers are expecting from a round bed. It's obviously a gimmick. It's not made to give you a good nights' rest so you can be fresh for a business meeting. It's there so you can feel like you're on The Love Boat. Yes, the outside of the buildings looks a little grim. A lot of concrete and very few windows had me thinking it looked a little like the Love Prison rather than the Boat. Indeed, several reviewers point out that the soundproof concrete rooms suffer from lack of windows, but certain rooms, like the Champagne Towers, do have large front room windows, and the Garden of Eden Apple looks like it's well lit with natural light in several photos I saw. Perhaps the rooms with few or no windows make for a more relaxed start to the day, without dawn cracking open your eyelids. And who really cares what the buildings look like from the outside? You're staying inside them.

Also Love Boat-esque: at dinner, you sit with other guests. True, you can request and wait for a private table, but why not enjoy meeting some other couples? It makes a lot of sense for the resort to have it this way, especially with their repeat customer rewards: sitting with happy established customers may lead newbies to become repeat visitors. But it's also almost always fun to meet new people. You can hear about activities they've tried, how their room competes with yours if it's a different style, and just take a break from the intense private coupleness of the rest of your resort experience. A lot of people complained about this, but I think it has more to do with a difference in modern social behavior than actual discomfort or inconvenience. Couples and families on vacation at resorts often used to socialize together---it was kind of like camp, but fancier.

Similarly, there were a few complaints about the activities not being as exciting as advertised. The motorboat rides are short, the snowmobiling is on a small area of golf course. But they have archery, paddleboats, billiards, miniature golf, tennis, ice and roller-skating---talk about retro! Roller-skating shouldn't be retro, but for some reason it is, so whenever I find it I'm so excited! I don't care that it's on a basketball court. Who's playing basketball there, anyway? And again, complaining guests, you chose a hotel with heart-shaped jacuzzis and in-room saunas. I think most people staying there are looking to enjoy the amenities of the room more than the other activities. How many chances do you have for private access to an indoor pool? There are also enough reviews pointing out that liquor is not included in the "all-inclusive" price, and neither are logs for your fireplace or bubbles for your champagne or heart-shaped hot tub. So bring your own. Is that such a problem? Bring all that, and candles and rose petals and your own robes and a plush blanket for in front of the fireplace and whatever else you may want or need while you're there. Then enjoy it in what the place itself offers. As far as I can find out, Cove Haven is the only place you're going to find all these crazy amenities in one suite, and the only place I see anywhere with a champagne glass whirlpool. It seems petty to be complaining that they nickel-and-dime you for bubbles. You may think they should include it, but they're more likely thinking if you're paying $500 to sit in a champagne glass, you won't be worried about a $7 bottle of bubble bath.

A good number of people seem to understand the features and unique benefits of this resort. Enough so that there are a wealth of positive reviews to outweigh the negatives (I think Ziltoid explains a proper outlook well), and obviously enough repeat business to keep them open and profitable for over 60 years, 40 of those with arguably the exact same decor. Even more than the series of happy, pleased-as-punch written reviews, I especially enjoyed several couples' YouTube videos of their vacations or honeymoons at the Cove Haven resorts. There's one news footage video that looks like it was from the early '80s showing rooms quite like what the resort website shows today, and the guests are lighthearted, jovial, and hilarious. There's a particularly funny group of policemen in that video who highlight another pricing aspect I forgot to mention: group rates. I don't know many large groups that would feel comfortable booking romantic vacations together, but the option is there! More recent videos are from guests who look like they're truly enjoying their rooms and everything offered within. Although they get the shape of the pool incorrect, this couple liked their Garden of Eden Apple room well enough to imitate MTV's Cribs while showing it off (also notice they just went horseback riding---guess there are some activities, naysayers!) This guy has his lady ensconced in the Roman Tower champagne bath bubbles ("Elegant!") and this nerdysweet couple has made a total mess of their Garden of Eden room after half a day, but are pleased enough to notice the gold toilet paper dispenser and "trapezoid"al pool, which the boy is actually using alone for plain old fun swimming. That's exactly what I thought when I saw the (larger, in the Cleopatra, Roman, and Eden's Apple rooms) pools: sure, they're meant to be romantic and intimate, but they're big enough to use for a bit of real swim-fun. Not laps by any means, but just fun hanging out in the pool. This couple in a Cleopatra Champagne Tower room has even turned their TV to face the pool, which this critical guest has pointed out can be heard through speakers in the pool room. Even the critical guest there seems to really like most of her room (I don't know how the neutral wallpaper is "'90s," and some people, like me, enjoy an Egyptian theme even if there are columns. There's also carpeting and mirrored walls, chica! Not Egyptian. But the Roman Towers suites have the same setup with the Roman theme, if she wants that for next time). And this couple shows the soundproofing throughout allows for even more pool area opportunities! Even the lowest budget fantasy suite, the Cove Fantasy, has a teeny little pool, which seemed to please this couple.

Granted, the first time I saw the pools (in commercials), I was under 5 years old, so the pool use could have involved actual swimming. I tried to persuade my mother that even though the commercial said it was for couples, we could probably stay there, and look, we could have our very own heart-shaped pool! She wouldn't be convinced. To her, my asking was funny, but the place was tacky. My mom has never been into modern (which it was at the time), romantic, kitsch, or retro. I secretly made the plan that I'd go there, just like I'd also travel on The Love Boat. I think I'd want to skip the actual Love Boat if that's still kicking, though. I'll cruise a newer craft. For ships, I do think some upgrades are required!

Cheers.