And with your hair swung right - And your pants too tight - It's gonna be all right! Rock Star: Supernova

So who wants to be a rock'n'roll star? I guess a lot of people. And I guess a lot of them think the way to do it is by getting on a potentially mortifying show on TV. Who knows, it may work. Someone may end up with hit records and millions of dollars. It's certainly a way to a lot of publicity, if nothing else. It might be easier to play those smalltown tours with your real band even if you flop on this kind of show. What is this kind of show now anyway? Where exactly are we with the cross-promotional, supercommericalized, ultrapublic self-indulging panopticonic extravaganza that is this programming? I don't know anymore. But there are so many better things to ask questions about, why bother with this? Either sit back and enjoy the junk or find something of objectively agreed-upon quality to do with your time and search for big answers in that.

I missed last year's display of . . . talent on Rock Star: INXS because I generally have trouble watching people get humiliated. People who aren't suffering from delusions, of course, which frees me up to watch plenty of American Idol auditions.

Part of the deal with this show is that all the people auditioning have to act like rock stars, which means they have to believe they are rock stars, or at least act like they believe they're rock stars. . . but really, I think rock stars have to actually be rock stars in their souls (or at least their own minds) in order to convincingly perform as "rock stars". So it ain't gonna work for most people, it's only going to end up as an embarrassing display of the fact that they are not rock stars.

Don't get me wrong---I think they did a good job in their selection last time. I mean, as good a job you can do when selecting a replacement part for your band to fix that pesky dead lead singer problem. I think dealing with an upstart will be INXS's only cost to pay, and it's a small one when balanced out by the incredible publicity they gained with their stunt, and the reality that the guy actually has some talent and charisma. As much as an wild lead singer? I don't know. And I suppose these guys are just organic or hothouse lead singers anyway---it's not as though they're being bred or cloned. They're just skipping some step, getting plucked away and pampered early to pat them into a proper place. Still, I think I'd prefer the old-fashioned kind of singer and band; the kind that is not formed through television audience participation.

Yet I'm hoping to be able to suffer through this season of it, though, since it's perfect material for meaningless, fun trash talking. So I'll have to break it all down as I do.

So I'll admit that part of what really drew me in tonight was the fact that the show opened up with a local singer, Storm Large. I've seen her before, and she has talent. It wasn't that strange to see her on the show.
I'm not a huge fan of what she and the band do on a regular basis, which is like some sort of cover-through-the-blender lounge act. I also don't like the fact that a lot of her actions. . . well, you'll have to see more than one performance, but to me a lot of the stage performance seems really disconnected from the song and way too Vegas show-y and idiosyncratic without purpose. She's more of a niche-y, cabaret-type singer. And in her performance on Rock Star, it truly irritated me that she said that the "Pinball Wizard" has a subtle wrist. Why why why? It was doubly worse when the show selected that bit to put in the who/how-to-vote clip at the end of the show. Maybe Storm doesn't care. Maybe it was intentional. But if so, why? What the hell is a subtle wrist?
At any rate, the rest of the performance was pretty great, and apart from the odd selection of that bit for the clip, it seems like the producers are very into Storm. There were a lot of shots of her in between performances, and of course, she was first. Go Storm. Go get publicity for yourself, anyway. But don't win, because I think that would be strange and not the best for the band (if they truly intend to be the ultra rock supergroup).

The early shows like these are usually a lot easier in terms of genuinely winnowing the wheat from the chaff. If only three people are in danger of kicking the bucket on the next show, it's far easier to see who they might be before the talent pool gets smaller. Of course, you never know if the public is going to choose to champion someone with low-level talent for whatever bizarre reasons they might have---but an opening show probably won't have a lot of that, since you really only have one performance and barely anything else to go on.

So they kicked it off with Storm, who was good enough, though not my bag. Certainly someone who would belong in the competition, though.

Ryan Star looked a little uncomfortable in his bio segment, and that continued in the performance. At the opening of it, I wanted to turn the channel so I wouldn't have to watch him. He wasn't that bad, but "Iris" is a simple song, and he didn't show enough confidence or talent to make me believe that he has what it takes to go all the way. I felt bad that he wanted people to know who he was (that part sounded convincing), because I doubt they will. At least through this show.

The Aussie Toby Rand was the antithesis of Ryan Star. He was immediately comfortable doing "Knockin' On Heaven's Door," which easily could have been daunting, especially with Gilby Clarke there judging. He pulled it off and it sounded really good.

Patrice Pike was decent, but a little too imitation-Grace Slick with "Somebody to Love." I'd have to see how she did with another song. There was some weird sounds and posturing in there also. But I think she's definitely good enough to go on to next week.

Mr. Iceland (Magni) has a great voice, in my opinion, but his appearance was a little lacking. I didn't like the way he shuffled around the stage, or the way he seemed to be sticking out his t-shirted belly so much. And to sing "Satisfaction," you have to put a lot more verve into it; style things up a bit. You're basically competing with Mick Jagger, so you have to offer a lot. His voice was there, but not a unique spirit.

Zayra Alvarez certainly had a unique voice and unique energy. She wasn't all over every note and every word in her performance, but it was like a real rock star's delivery. "Bring Me to Life" was a good choice as an introduction for her, and I doubt she'd get anywhere near being cut this week. The strangely-hypnotic-but-not-quite-gorgeous looks will help out with that.

I didn't think Jenny Galt delivered much. Her voice isn't tremendous or special. She didn't have a lot of memorable stage presence, and singing "How You Remind Me," ironically, was not the best way to try to accentuate an already semi-forgettable voice. She's blond and did play the guitar, though, so maybe she'll last through the first cut.

Josh Logan sounded very much like a Chris Robinson knockoff while singing "She Talks to Angels." His voice was really good, but it didn't sound terribly original. He also had a distinctly bluesy sound, and it's not apparent that he can break out of that. He had a lot of energy channeled through his voice, but not a lot of stage action going on, just the wobbling head and mike gripping. I don't know. I guess he could use at least one more chance to show some breadth.

Matt Hoffer sounded decent (like your average local singer-with-guitar) in his bio clip, but it wasn't really enough to make him stand out in the show performance, especially singing "Yellow." Again, when someone chooses a song by an incredibly talented and distinct singer, it really shows when the performance doesn't come close. And his didn't. He's a little reminiscent of Jimmy (Jack Wild) from HR Pufnstuf, too. I don't know if that would help or hurt him, but it didn't really jibe with the attitude.

Dilana (doesn't everyone really have a last name, folks?) has the distinct voice down, but how far does it go? Hm. I bet we'll see. She was rather kickass. Kind of weird, but that is genuinely rock star-ish. She's got her own thing going on, which is a plus. I liked the way her stage performance was sort of a metaphorical pun of "Lithium."

I wouldn't think a 22-year-old would have anything near the chops to hold up against the competition here, but Dana Andrews did a pretty good job. When she started out, her rendition of "The Only One" promised decent karaoke, but then she picked up and showed a little soul. She may be a little too sweet, though, and her strange comment about keeping the other band members alive on the tour bus could knock her down. What exactly did she mean by that anyway?

Phil Ritchie was strange. He seemed to be taking on the personalities of other while singing Cult of Personality, and none of them fit very well. A bit flailing and wandering. He's got a weak-chinned Donovan Leitch look going on, and a decent voice that did cool things even when it got away from him, but he might be one to go.

The petite Long Island girl, Jill Gioia, did a spirited Janis Joplin imitation with "Another Little Piece of My Heart," but it seemed too imitative to me. Forgettable because it wasn't unique in any way. Her look didn't help either. Too plain and poppy. She may last another week riding on the cute-bigboobed-blond ticket, though.

I disagreed with the judges about Chris Pierson's performance. By changing the sound of "Roxanne," he made it pretty memorable, in my opinion. He looked fairly comfortable on stage, moved around well, was dressed suitably, and he even threw in a couple Mick Jagger stances for fun. I thought it was okay. I hope he doesn't get cut, but he might. It's true that his voice wasn't showcased in the best way, but he still may have something to offer. So he'll probably get cut, just because I want to see more.

I fully admit that Lukas Rossi did a far better job with "Rebel Yell." He was freaky and stylie and fun and energetic. I don't know how incredible his voice is, but he certainly put on a rock star performance. He was clearly a favorite, but I wonder how his voice really sounds.

You can watch the episodes on the Rock Star website, or see individual performances, which is really cool (as long as you have a high-speed connection, because the thing just needs endless connection power). I'm interested to see how the people who watch this show vote; if it's fair or silly---exactly on what the audience voting is based. Maybe it will be impossible to bet on who makes it through, but I don't think it will stop me. It's free, fluffy fun.